Reliable criminal DNA databases date back only to the late 1990s. However, I can help you investigate your family using our exclusive Deep Extrapolation AI to determine when the blood started to flow in your family tree. Sound good? Okay, starting session.
Elle Stanchion, your great-great grandmother: that’s when the trouble started. When she was young, Elle danced naked on upturned barrels by torchlight. This was something cultish of the Great Southwest. With her large parties she rode on horseback to a rocky basin, where she whooped and hollered with the rest of the women. Elle marched for one cause and then another. Later, she broke into a Western movie set in the Arizona desert and made herself useful. Eighteen years after that, she moved to New York City, where she became the first female producer of a network TV news nightly broadcast. Elle thought: a force of history that comes from a glowing box you plug into the wall.
Elle met Linus Crane, your great-grandfather, who, as a boy, huddled by electric space heaters on frigid Wisconsin winter nights. Behind the heater’s cage, the element coils glowed red, engrossing Linus in their heat. He thought: a force of nature coming from a glowing box you plug into the wall. On this type of mythologizing, Linus and Elle would one day connect. Your family would break them apart.
Linus, at seventeen years of age, left the cold of home to find work on a ranch in Arizona. During his first summer there, the ranch was nearly overrun by a movie crew. Linus met and married Elle on the set. Linus had brought his younger brother, Joshua, along with him to the ranch, but soon he was too busy, and too enamored with Elle, to pay attention to young Joshua, and the boy quickly fell in with bookies and their compatriots of ill repute.
When she wouldn’t fall in love with him, your great-great-uncle Joshua Crane fell in love with Elle and followed her and Linus out of Arizona to New York City. Joshua had tried to teach Elle through his toothy, wide smile the multifarious ways to trick a person. Namely, her husband, Linus, his own brother. Before they left for the East Coast, Joshua told Elle that she was too clever for Linus. His own killer instincts would make a far better match for a woman of her intelligence.
Karma came quickly for Cranes. The coast didn’t agree with Joshua. New York City tested his con-man’s skills unto failure. Joshua lost his grit and his money at three card monte tables and down the bottle in poker parlors. At the end, Joshua would be convicted of mortally beating his brother Linus in a jealous rage during barroom brawl in the East Village.
We don’t have medical examiner reports, but when we look at criminal DNA databases, we can say with great surety that most murderers in the United States are distantly related to one another, and, statistically speaking, every thirty-one days you walk past one. In your case, that would have been every single day of your life in 2030. Shall we go there?
This is where things get significantly more data driven. Krista Crane, your mother, listed Henry Brown as a resident in your home in the 2030 census. Was he your mother’s boyfriend? Most likely. You were only three years old. After your mother left him, Brown was convicted of first-degree murder in the death of his first girlfriend following your mother. Some believe he killed before. You couldn’t have known. When you were a child, why was your mother spared? Henry might have loved her just enough. We will have that data with the integration of Life Points AI later this year. Subscribe early for a discount.
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Shall I terminate your session?
Thank you for your interest in your family’s blood line. We’ll be in touch with emails about more killers near you.